That is the perfect word to describe some of my past relationships in my life. No matter what I said or did some of those relationships would never be “good” relationships but then again I am not perfect and definitely did some questionable things.
I have been through a lot in my life not saying that any of you have been through less I just wanted to talk about how some of the toxic relationships changed my life and made me appreciate what I have so much more.
With that being said it has been officially one year with J and I, and I could not be happier living my life with him! He has done so much for me and brings so much happiness to my life I can not imagine my life without him!
My past had some unhappy times though… so to protect some of the men (if you can call them that) I will be naming them a letter. These letters may not be what you would relate with them at all but that is kind of the point.
We will start with P. He was a man that all he wanted in life was a family and it was too the point that he talked to me on our first date about how all he wants in life is to be a father. At first I thought it was one of the sweetest things and continued to see him. Our relationship ending up being the kind of relationship that we could tell we did not want to “be” with each other but having “fun” was something that we both could agree we wanted to happen. Then not knowing him all that well I got pregnant. Dumb on my part for a few reasons: one I did not know his family nor did he show much interest in me meeting them and two I was not truly happy or really happy at all.
To give him the credit he deserves he did go to all my scheduled doctor appointments and was very involved in the pregnancy but with that still I never met his family. I heard about them all the time, about how his mom was so excited to be expecting a grandchild and she had a room full of stuff but in my eyes it felt like I was not good enough in his eyes to meet his family and all he was concerned about was his child (not our child if you catch my drift). He did do some sweet things through out our “relationship” if you can call it that. Like attempting to make my favorite meal and completely failing but I still ate it to make him feel like it was not all for nothing because in all reality he really did try.
A little more background before we go further I was far enough in the pregnancy that I could walk down the street and there was no doubt in anyone’s mind that I was pregnant. We had also both heard the heartbeat and we’re going to find out the sex of the baby at the next appointment.
The day started with working a split shift on a Friday and between my shift my roommate and I went out to grab a bite and I had some horrible cramping during lunch that I could not explain that made me slightly worried but I just decided to wait it out a little bit to see what the cramping was going to do.
I went to the bathroom multiple times throughout lunch and after the 8th trip to the bathroom I came out extremely worried and needing to leave… I was bleeding.
We immediately went back to work and told them that I would not be coming in for the 2nd part of my shift and got another one of my friends to drive me to the ER.
Through the process of driving to the ER I contacted P and let him know that I needed him to meet me there and he brushed off the whole thing like I was asking him to meet me for ice cream! He explained (like he was the expert on my body) that bleeding and cramping is normal and that I am overreacting. Finally when I got to the ER and got in a room (45 minutes after I arrived to the ER) I called him crying saying that this was it I was loosing the baby and if he had any ounce of sympathy in him that he would be here.
Moments before they were going to preform a ultrasound I felt pressure, went to the restroom and miscarried in the toilet. It was extremely painful not only physically but emotionally. I opted to have a D&C and when I woke I had P, my father and his significant other sitting next to my hospital bed. Granted I asked for P to be there I did not expect him to show after the horrific conversation that we had and I told my dad not to come because one I did not want him to see me like that and it was so not the time and place for him to meet my “boyfriend”.
After all of that I had to eat a couple saltines which I had no appetite to eat and drink some Z-up before they would let me leave. Finally when that was over they gave me some prescriptions for the pain and let us know Walgreen’s was the only one that would be able to fill it at this hour. P followed us there and I sat in his car while my dad and his gf went in to get the medicine. I cried and cried knowing that this was it no matter what he said right now it was not going to make me feel better because at that moment I knew that not only did I loose my child that night I also lost the man in my life as well. He assured me that evening that we would still be “together” if you could call it that and then decided to officially break it off a few days later… on Valentines Day!
Thank goodness I had fantastic friends that day that helped keep my mind off of it all but I was still beyond crushed and having a emotional roller coaster.
Him and I have talked maybe 2 or 3 times after this and he finally did get his baby (boy) that he always wanted and I am extremely happy for him. His mom and I seem to be closer now more than ever. She is a fantastic lady and I am glad that she became a part of my life after the fact.
I really did not realize that this was going to be so long so I am going to stop here and maybe do a part 2 about some of my other failed relationships in life.
Until then have a fantastic day and realize that life is way to short to put yourself in a situation where you are unhappy!